I had an observer from St John’s Ambulance with me on the car this evening.  As it turned out, what I’m about to write was about the most exciting thing that happened to us over the entire shift!

We were on our way to a Red 2, Chest Pain.  However, this was a 26 year old so instantly you doubt it’s authenticity – even when you allow for other contingencies!  Also, on the MDT it had mentioned a plethora of other things such as Chrohn’s Disease and that the patient had travelled up from Eastbourne* because of bad treatment at a hospital there.

The writing of so much info on the MDT I’m sure, is a subtle hint from Control that they are dealing with a numpty but have to follow protocols – so therefore at the very least, they are giving us a coded “heads up” of what’s coming!

“This bloke is going to be a cock”  I mentioned in passing as I initiated the blues and twos and sped off toward our job.

“Oh?  How so?”  St John’s asked looking down at the MDT trying to work it out.

I explained my theory behind the mathematics that make up the age of the patient vs complaint vs amount of info (including lowest denominational info) written on the MDT.

“Ah,” she said, “I see.  Righto”

We arrived to find a young lad sitting on the curb beside a mini bus and telephone box.  We parked up and I got out to approach.  Poking my head round the side of the mini bus I smiled at our patient . . .

“Alright?  Wanna come over here fella?  Sit on the back of our car hey?”

He jumped up, came round and sat down on the back of our Volvo.  I stood passively in front of him, folded my arms and smiled.

“Alright?  What’s the craic fella, why are we here then?”

This was his cue to break into a rapid fire explanation of his recent medical history and reasons for calling, which the main points included . . . .

–  Being mis-treated at a hospital in his home town on the seaside
–  Being pissed off that he had to travel up to London to visit a hospital A&E to get seen . . . because his home hospital was so shit
–  Being pissed off that he has Chohn’s Disease
–  Being pissed off and not feeling well – generally
–  Can you take me to the local A&E now

“Right.  So you’ve come up from Eastbourne just to visit a London Hospital is that right?”
“Yep.  I need to go now man”
“Ok. . . . so, why have you called us?  Why aren’t you just continuing on your journey to the hospital?  By erm, say, a taxi?”
“Cos I havn’t got any money!  And I don’t have a phone either!  Why do you think I had to use a public phone box yeh?!”
“Wow.  You’ve stumped me there.  Ok.  So why do you need us?”
“Cos I’m ill man!!  Can’t you see that?  If you won’t take me I’ll fucking walk to the hospital!”
“Well, before we come to any conclusions like that let’s look at what’s going on here . . . you’ve travelled up from Eastbourne right?”
“Yep”
“Just to use a London Hospital right?”
“Yep.  I’m i-”
“So, you’ve come all this way – just to stand in a London phone box and call 999 to get an ambulance right?”
“. . . . look, if you’re not going to take me seriously you can fuck off!  I’ll walk then!  Fuck you!  But what’s going to happen if I collapse and die on my way to hospital then yeh?!”
“You get another ambulance?”
“Fuck you!  I’ll walk.  I’ll fucking walk then.  Fuck you!”

And thus, he walked.  No, sorry, he ran.  For the first twenty yards at least.  And then walked . . . all the while swearing and gesticulating with his middle finger as he did so.

After he’d disappeared out of sight I turned to my St John’s observer.

“See.  A cock.”

She nodded and raised her eyebrows in agreement.

Happy Christmas folks.  All the best to all the crews, be it Ambulance, Police or (bless) Fire Brigade, who are working this Christmas time.  Stay safe please.

Binder

*not their real home town of course